I'm Jessica.

This is a random mix of daily novelties

Friday, September 26, 2003

A bit better today. Feels like the community is coming together again (we had a regrouping the other night)here and the phone call from Shannon helped with my nerves about Texas. Debbie and Andrew are getting info and great emails. Abigail is home on Monday and they have found some support groups and clinics that can answer more questions in english. Thanks Christine...I will have Debbie email you.
Spirit is stronger too...shaken but not out. I have found out that similar experinces have happened to a few other people I know and that its not that Im going loony.thanks Teresa for your email, and Grandma...you might be right. Im anxious to see you too.
posted by Jessica  # 7:27 AM

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

The one thing I try to do in my life is to stay positive and to sound positive. I also try to be honest with what I'm feeling...basically because I can't hold things in very well. So, this will be an attempt to do both- stay positive and once again vomit on my blog page.
Abigail has diabetes to begin. This has hit me very hard. I love these kids so much, I think as much as I would my own, and I hate to think of any of them in pain...especially life long. This will change her life. This will change her families lives. She's so young and it seems so unfair. They have no insurance and even if they did it wouldn't cover foreigners living here;Thank GOD Abigail speaks Czech well enough to understand instructions on how to care for herself because none of us do and there are not english speakers in the hospital. Jay, I don't have your email address for some strange reason but if you are reading this would you mind terribly emailing Debbie (abigails mom) at mumjones@hotmail.com and telling her as much info about how normal you can be living with this. Its really hard to get much info here in English and to sort through everything on the internet is overwhelming because there is so much. Debbie is frantic for information on how to adjust to this.
So, the landlord situation is better but I know they still will want us to move before the end of the lease. it still doesn't take away all of the hurtful things that were said and I'm working on the forgiveness thing...never is easy now is it?
Finally, I guess I'm asking for prayer for the household and myself. I was taking a nap yesterday (a three hour nap in the middle of the afternoon which is not like me..I've been exhausted for the last week I guess because of emotional stuff) and slipped into that in between place where I couldn't decide if I was asleep or awake- but I was looking at my room and I couldn't speak outloud. I was praying like crazy because I knew there was something in there with me...not from God. This is the fourth time this has happened to me in this house. The worst part was that I then slipped into sleep sleep to awake into that in-between place again, this time with something heavy on me,literally heavy on top of me. I prayed again and it lifted from me giving me goosepimples and then returned again and finally lifted again and left for good. Is this my imagination? Was it just a dream? Am I being over-spiritual? I wish so but think not. This really scared me and I'm being open and public about this because I know the enemy hits me when I am secretive or embarrassed and I want never to experience this again and I want to know how to handle it in the future if and when it does happen again. Ok, so all of this in additon to the interapersoanl stuff in the household and the trying to deal with the fact that Im moving in a few weeks to Texas is making for a hard time ...sue me, I lied about being positive
posted by Jessica  # 4:01 AM

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Andrew gives a better, less emotional explanation of the landlord situation that went down last Friday. This has been a hard summer to be an American living in Europe for me. When I first moved over here 2.5 years ago,I went through all of the typical stages that you go through--I have seen it since in many other expats. You become aware of America and its faults...You become aware that it actually has faults. You start to see and understand more of the world and how it works outside of America;its vastly different and not fair and just in many places.
You become aware that Europeans have an opinion about America, and in most cases its extreme one way or the other. Some of them have a general negative opinion about America based on politics and politicians (or in our landlord situation-the choice of paint color, our well used non-Ikea furniture and our ability to reproduce)and therefore, SOME of them, NOT ALL BUT A LOT OF THEM (caps to make a point-so as not to fall prey to hypocrisy and blanket judgment)seem to dislike AmericanS based on this. The whole population of Americans based on our govt. and what they see in movies as how americans decorate- and then get disappointed to find out that we don't ALL choose 5 different shades of beige to decorate our living rooms with s they saw it in Step Mom, First Wives Club or any other cheesey Hollywood movie.
ok, so moving on to my point... After the "America sucks for XY and Z reasons" stage, I came around to seeing positive things about my country that I'd never been aware of before or that I took for granted until I didn't have them. I eventually started to love my country like I never had before and for reasons I never had before...even with its political problems, consumption of fast food and materialism value issues. I love that people smile and are friendly. I love that things work and are easier there. I love that we make friends easily, I love that people are "proud to be an American" and have flags to prove it. This summer I was coming up against opposition to America pretty much everyday. Starts as casual conversation, curiosity and intrigue most of the time. But then...you have what I thought was a sweet older Canadian women saying things like "well, the Romans finally fell at last too"! I need to take a deep breath and go to bed...its 2 am and I fear Im not making sense.
posted by Jessica  # 4:09 PM


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